SALTY DOG CRUISE Saturday
This was my first full day of the cruise. I woke up around 9 and made my way to the buffet table. They had raisin pancakes, which tasted about as good as they sound. They sucked. Raisins ruin cookies and now pancakes. Stop putting raisins in things! Sincerely everyone on the planet.
They did have banana and strawberry pancakes, those ruled. After that I got changed and headed out to the shops. They were nice, classic tourist trap stuff. One of the stores was playing Christmas music.
I tried and failed to take some stupid pictures of me with some statues but an awesome English couple offered to hold the phone for me. Those pictures came out fantastic! America and England has come a long way since the Revolutionary War!
After that I found a stand that was not only selling coffee but the best Key Lime Pie in the Keys. I just ate so I settled on a cup of Cuban coffee. It’s a double shot of espresso survived in a cup the size of a mouthwash lid. I was told to sip it and not just down it.
I walked around getting to know the good people of Key West
And one who I thought I could trust with the size of my penis
I was expecting it to be harsh and bitter but really it was just smooth and creamy. Like a coffee egg nog. At this point I went to meet me tour group, I had a glass bottom boat trip planned. We waited for about 30 minutes until finally we were informed that, due to the weather and rough water, our trip had been canceled.
That was disappointing but that’s life. Later on I was told that the boat kind of sucked so maybe I came out ahead.
With nothing else to do that day I decided to explore the island a little more. I checked out some stores, looked at some restaurants, finally I passed an Irish bar, because nothing screams Irish like the Florida keys. They were singing the song tequila and I was wondering if there was a man child dancing on the bar trying to keep bikers from killing him.
Sadly no, it was just sexy women. The singer had brought a woman on to the stage, I found out she was the bride in a bridal party. So he’d play the song and then everyone would scream tequila and he’d them dump shot after shot of tequila down her gullet. He then did the same thing to the maid of honor.
While this was going down I tried to order an ale. It looked local but I couldn’t make out the name, so I told the bartender “two to the left of Bud Light”
“Two Bud Lights?”
“No two to the left of Bud Light.”
“Ok, you want two?”
“Sure.”
So I’m double fisting beers and walk past a couple at the bar.
“It’s you!” They proclaim.
“Yes it is,” who am I?
“We ate breakfast with you today,” the man said.
“I don’t think it was me.” I said.
“Yeah, I gave you an English Muffin,” he said.
“Oh yeah!” I didn’t eat an English Muffin but I felt bad because they were so happy to see whoever they thought I was.
I took the seat next to them and ordered a round of Cinnamon Toast Crunch shots. They were tasty. Good but only good in the sense that I never need to drink it again.
I sat with my new friends and listened to our singer play some tunes. Tom Petty and um some others (I may have been getting drunk here).
Then I got an amazing idea. I ordered a water and another shot. I took the drinks over to the bridal party and gave the bride the water. “I felt bad for you up there,” I laughed.
“I gagged like five times,” she said.
“I also bought a shot for any single Bridesmaids you have.” See I gave her water and the single bridesmaid a drink! Pretty clever! I thought so but Whitney kept her distance from me after that. It’s ok because I got some Jell-O shots out of it.
I left the bar with a mighty buzz, the type of buzz that gets me in trouble. I wandered across the street and bought a big cigar. I was like mob boss, walking among the crowds with a thick stoggie in my mouth. I walked across another shop and the man said “best ice cream in key west.” So I got a Snickers ice cream. I sat at table with a big lite cigar and ice cream and lived like a king! After the two was gone I felt I had to try the best key lime pie in Key West. It was also good.
I wondered into a few shops but I wasn’t sure if I was drunk or if everything really did look like a dick. So I headed back to the boat.
I ate lunch and headed back to my room to sober up before the concerts began. After dinner I ran into some friends I met the day before, Laura and her friend. I told Laura I was a legendary air hockey player... She then beat the shit of me three times. I blamed my losing on the rocky waves. After that there was a contest of who could twerk while standing on their head. I just forfeited that one.
After twerking and air hockey I went down to the safari room to listen to Face to Face. I liked Face to Face in the past but never really followed them. Well this set changed that! Face to Face put on an incredible show
I went up to check out Pennywise on the pool deck, this set went from being good to straight up legendary. The stage they played on was set up next to the pool and hot tubs. For some reason the hot tubs were closed that night, in order to keep people out they were covered with a mesh net. Well this didn't work for one man who took that net as a invitation and jumped into it on to the net. Security rushed towards him in order to kick him out (?) Walk the plank? But before they could lay their hands on him he scrabbled out of the hot tub and into the second hot tub! He then jumped out of that hot tub and ran back into the pool! Security stood on the deck looking at him saying "I'll get you next time!" I guess the pool water made them melt or something. Rumor has it he was seen the next day with a giant gash on his head.
SALTY DOG CRUISE Sunday
The big event for Sunday was my expedition to pig island. That small island in the Bahamas that has live pigs frolicking. No one knows why these pigs are on on this island. Did their ancestors get stranded there? Maybe these pigs loved the show Lost and wanted to recreate it. No one knows but they are there for our pleasure.
We docked on an island owned by the cruise ship. That was actually a little disappointing because I was excited to explore the local village in the Bahamas. Check out shops, try food ext. but it was not to be.
We had to walk across the island to meet our boat, eventually three boats of carrying about 10 to 15 people each made their way across the water. We approached a small island, and what did I see in the water? Do you remember how sailors thought they saw beautiful women beacon them to shore only to find out it it was just a beautiful manatee? It was like the except that this was a big pig, up to about his chin in salty sea.
We got off our boats and walked up a ramp to a deck, where we were greeted by an army of piglets. They showed no fear and came straight up to me sniffing my feet and ankles. It was nice that they accepted me considering I ate so much ham and bacon for breakfast. They were adorable little nuggets and all I wanted to do was sneak about 5 of them home. We also had to be careful about how we petted them. Running your hand down their back was great but avoid the face and mouth! But they did love belly scratches! I had one small brindle guy actually collapse on his side because them belly rubs felt so good!
We were given some rules, no picking them up (damn it) was the big one. Soon we made our way to the water where we were handed a wooden skewer and placed a small bit of apple on the end. According to our guide, apples are like Scooby snacks to them! Ran to us with extreme enthusiasm! There were a handful of smaller pigs but also a few very big ones.
“Do not just let them eat the apples,” our guide said. “Make them work for it! They do tricks. They can sit, lay down, stand on their hind legs!” One jumped out of the water to get his Apple. I got one big guy to stand on his hind legs to eat. But the best was wading out to chest deep water and slowing spinning having the pig swim after his Apple piece. It’s like Dirty Dancing but with me and a pig... two pigs.
Speaking of dirty. Well pigs aren’t know for being clean. Also shoving apples down there mouths made the more pron to making applesauce (pig shit). It was a wonderful experience but also extremely gross knowing I was literally swimming in pig shit and feces.
Afterwards I made a bee line back to the boat to cover myself in hand sanitizer. At this point I covered myself in it, my phone, my card for my room, and shoved my swimming trunks into a small zip-lock bag.
It was an adventure, if feeling like Andy Dufresne from Shawshank sounds fun.
Also I made a group of German women laugh by pretending to be a bird laughing at us! Marc Von Ahnen sexy in all languages.
This is probably about the 5th time I've seen Frank Turner live and every time I've seen him he's been phenomenal but this time he climbed the stairs right next to me. He ran right past me, literally inches away! It's hard to believe that I was there and had this experience. It was moments like this that inspired me to start doing this blog.
SALTY DOG CRUISE Monday
This is really getting long. I don't want to turn this post into the Tale of Two Cities, the blog. Monday was a busy day for me. I camped out inside the ship most of the day to watch Brogue Wave, Beans on Toast, and then Frank Turner do an acoustic set of his newest album No Mans Land.
My goal for the day was to get a guest spot in the comedy show, about two thirds of the way though Frank Turner's set I sneaked away to the bar.
The comedian was Joe Sib who wasn't only just extremely funny but also one of the founders of SideOneDummy and regaled the crowd with stories of hanging with the Ramones.
When I first talked to him he explained someone had beat me to the punch about getting a guest spot, and this dude packed the house! He did say "I can bring you up after my set."
"That'd be awesome," I said even thought I thought that is a bad idea! No one will want to watch me after you! But I had to take the opportunity. Sadly or luckily, he forgot to bring me up. The important thing I went for it and he was a super cool guy that got bitten by the vampire shark so it all worked out.
The next day I got home and was greeted by nephew and his girlfriend, welcoming me back from Rehab for touching myself.
Dogs I Saw
This weeks episode is dedicated to Ferdinand at https://www.arl-iowa.org/adopt/178245/find-a-pet/pet-detail/
Go to their site and look at his face and try not to fall in love with him! This week Travis derails what could have been an amazing show and almost ruins it for everyone! We talk about how Joel Fry ruins everything! Ugh Also instead of Dogs I talk about something a little different. Here's a link to the video Travis and I put together
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34aETcMr9M0&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1kYJMYdyRBHl0Gb2rdF2UX9VLt4N_3Zy1vQ4ugw_Z_2VUKAJnBgr5OZRU
https://www.podomatic.com/podcasts/dogsisaw/episodes/2019-11-20T05_57_29-08_00